


You Every Time

by patriciaselina



Series: Retrouvaille [3]
Category: Free!
Genre: Epilogue, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Games, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV First Person, Party, Retrouvaille AU, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Tumblr: makoharufestival, Tumblr: marukaprompts, everyone loves Makoto ok, how is tagging done I just dunno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 11:06:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1172304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patriciaselina/pseuds/patriciaselina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto, being the epitome of perfection for the entire human race, shouldn’t be so surprised that all his best friends turned out to have had feelings for him in some way or another, and he <em>especially</em> shouldn’t be surprised that Haruka’s not pleased by this situation <em>at all</em>, but he <em>is</em>, on both counts.</p><p>(A <em>Retrouvaille + Materiality</em> epilogue oneshot written for <a href="http://makoharufestival.tumblr.com/post/74002818167/challenge-jealous-user-patriciaselina-rating-sfw">the MakoHaru festival</a>.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Every Time

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [anilinsan](http://anilinsan.tumblr.com/) for being a fantastic beta. 10/10, will work with again!
> 
> Also written for a [prompt off of marukaprompts](http://marukaprompts.tumblr.com/post/71451865824/i-read-a-fic-in-which-nagisa-says-that-everyone-who) based on a line I had Nagisa say in  _The Materiality Principle_  –  _“Everyone who meets Mako-chan falls at least a little bit in love with him”._
> 
> For Rei's POV of this chapter, please take a look at the second part of chapter 8 of [The Materiality Principle](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1084649/chapters/2896108)!

There are a lot of things that never really changed about Nagisa, I realize. One of these is his utterly inappropriate sense of timing. The other is that, once he sets his sights on something, nothing short of a full-blown global apocalypse will stop him.

And even he’d probably talk the apocalypse into giving him a few more minutes.

So when Nagisa says that we’re going to have a party to ‘celebrate Haru-chan and Mako-chan being sappy boyfriends’, then we are  _going_  to have a party and we are  _going_  to  _appreciate_  it. Even if, after all that’s been said and done, what Haru  _really_  wants to do right now is to spend the night nuzzling into my shoulder as we sit side-by-side on Haru’s couch, like an oversized kitten.

…He didn’t exactly  _tell_  me that’s what he wanted to do, but one thing that never really changed about me is that I am still blessedly able to read out entire paragraphs of thought out of one of Haru’s glances. So I’m sure that’s the gist of his last one.

And besides, that’s pretty much what Haru’s doing right now anyway - sitting so close to me on his couch as if he wanted to permanently fuse himself into my side. He just would prefer if he had the privilege of doing this without an audience, however.

It’s colder out and Haru could write this errant behavior of his off as something as banal as his heater being broken, but he had already agreed so readily when Nagisa offhandedly mentioned something about making up for a decade of physical separation.

Rin had catcalled and Nagisa had made a big excited whoop, but I…didn’t do anything other than flush red all the way down to my bones. Haru’s newfound honesty when it comes to these things really never fails to surprise me.

“No.” Haru murmurs, making a truly effective job of muffling his voice in my sweater. “My answer is no.”

“But  _Haru-chan_!!”

“No means no, Nagisa.” Haru says, his voice with an air of finality to it. No amount of whining or begging or cajoling would make him wear one of Nagisa’s silly paper party hats, apparently. I’ve been strong-armed by him and Rin to wear one as well - a green one peppered with stickers of orcas and dolphins. Not something you’d expect an elementary teacher like me to wear - my students would be the more likely wearers.

“But we’re  _all_  wearing one, c’mon Haru-chan, please?” Nagisa croons, his rapidly blinking eyes emphasized by the sparkly pink paper party hat perched atop his blond head. Closer inspection shows that while, indeed, it has been decorated with a copious amount of penguin stickers, the sequins glued to it are in the shape of butterflies. I find myself wondering what Rei thinks about this.

“I already let you take over  _my_  apartment and ransack  _my_  fridge, Nagisa.” Haru makes a full-body sigh, which is…something I’ve never really seen him do before. He’d always been controlled enough to keep his feelings about things to himself. Which was normally when I’d come in, but not today, apparently. “That’s more than enough.”

“Don’t force it on him, Nagisa.” Rin exclaims, wrapping an arm around Nagisa’s neck playfully as he pulls him away from us. “I don’t think Haru looks good in hats, anyway. But I do. And that’s  _another_  win for me.”

There’s a faint glimmer of something that may be called  _mischief_  in Haru’s eyes as he graces Rin with a barely-there, almost-magnanimous, honest-to-goodness  _smirk_. “For someone who looks like he’s wearing a Santa hat, you sure do talk big.”

“Shut  _up,_  Haru, stop being jealous. Jealousy doesn’t look good on you.” Rin says, letting go of Nagisa and holding his hands up above his head as he stands up to better showcase the paper cone attached to his head by an elastic band – shiny sparkly cherry red with dark cutouts of what looks to be a shark and what seems to be the smallest shimmering hints of…was that green? “Don’t be so bitter just because I  _totally_  own this look – I  _do_  own this look, right, Makoto?”

“Rin-chan, don’t put Mako-chan in the hot seat here. That’s not good etiquette for someone at a pre-engagement party!” Nagisa scolds, swatting at Rin’s thighs with the paper cap intended for Haru – baby blue with a white fluffy trim and prints of dolphins and orcas.  _All_ of them touching snouts.

“There are no such things as  _pre-engagement parties_ , Nagisa,” I sigh, because this whole thing is an idea too ridiculous for a group of twenty-something’s to commit to and because hearing the party meant for me and Haru’s relationship upgrade being referred to as a ‘pre-engagement party’ gives me a fluttering feeling in my stomach.

Said fluttering feeling could also be because Haru has fed me nothing but mackerel ever since we started dating and I’ve eaten all his offered dishes even if my stomach doesn’t exactly take well to fish, but the last time we ate we had  _karaage_  so I can’t blame it on that.

“Oh, but  _you_  haven’t been in a relationship before, Mako-chan. Get with the program, will you?”

Rin raises an eyebrow at Nagisa’s choice of words and it stays even as he slings an arm around his shoulder. “Nagisa, my boy, you never told us that you’ve  _finally_   _confessed_  to your darling butterfly. Now when did this happen?”

Nagisa’s about to open his mouth, probably raring to say something completely earnest or totally silly – probably both at the same time – but, as if we had been filming one of those TV dramas, this is the exact time when Haru’s kitchen door slides open to show Rei behind it. “Did Nagisa-kun have anything he had to tell me, Rin-san?”

“Oh, I dunno, Rei. You should probably ask him yourself.” Rin says, grinning toothily. “He’s wanted to tell you for  _so long_ , after all.”

I have the urge to step in, to insist that it only be fair that  _nobody_  gets caught in the hot seat for tonight, the first time in a long time that we’ve all been together - only Rin is wearing that grin that promises dangerous things in my future if I ever even thought of playing referee. I swallow, audibly, and Rin guffaws; Haru looks at the glance Rin and I share, and I can’t understand why for the life of me but whatever he sees makes him frown.

On the other side of the room: Rei cocks his head, uncomprehending, as he adjusts the straps of the navy blue apron he borrowed from Haru. Nagisa, for once, is struck silent with shock – his mouth is opening and closing, as if he were one of the goldfish I used to care for. This only makes Rei more confused and Rin chuckle harder.

This isn’t something Rei can see from his angle, but Haru and I can see it from ours – Nagisa drives his elbow discreetly but  _powerfully_  into Rin’s abdomen and I can see Rin’s relaxed pose falter for a moment. We can also see Nagisa as he lets out from gritted teeth – “ _Shut_ ** _up_** _._ ”

The effect is instantaneous – Rin moves away as quickly as he would if he’d been burned, and with a walk too carefree to be anything other than  _forced_ , he goes to where Rei is standing. “D’you need my help with the food?”

“Actually, I do, Rin-san. Come, follow me.” Rei says, retreating into the kitchen, and as Rin makes jerky steps to follow after him he is bid farewell by the sight of Nagisa making vaguely threatening hand gestures.

As the kitchen door slides shut again, Haru speaks. “Your friend needs a better prescription, Nagisa.”

“How’d you know, Haru-chan?”

“Because if he hasn’t seen how much you like him yet, then I’d say that he  _truly_  must be going blind.” Haru says. From any other person using those words and that tone of voice this could be taken as an insult, a jibe at Nagisa’s exuberance and Rei’s habit of taking just about anything in stride; but I can feel Haru’s shoulders beginning to shake with greatly-controlled laughter and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, he’s joking.

“Don’t say that, Haru-chan – how are you so sure that I’m not being subtle about this?” Nagisa says, with an exaggerated eye roll. “You don’t have to hide your feelings so much to be called subtle, yanno – it’s the things hiding  _in plain sight_  that are the hardest to single out.”

Now, I’m perfectly aware that Nagisa meant that good-naturedly, but – here I find myself thinking about Haru and I, and how I didn’t even realize that the painter I was getting unnaturally fond of in the first place was actually the Haru I was waiting for, after all. This is something Haru repeatedly asserts I shouldn’t have to beat myself up so much about, but I can’t help myself from feeling anything other than  _guilty_  every time I think about this.

After all, according to all those romance TV dramas – when you’re in love with someone, you’re supposed to know without a doubt that the person in front of you is them, even if they changed their name or face or voice, right?

“Makoto,” Haru says suddenly, startling both me and Nagisa out of our thoughts. He reaches out to squeeze my hand, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking – which, seeing as communication is once and for all a two-way street, could be exactly what happened. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Don’t mind me, Haru.” I smile, all doubts in myself at least temporarily extinguished in the face of Haru’s expression, which seems to me just about this side of worried. “I wonder what’s taking Rin and Rei so long. Maybe I should go help…”

Nagisa’s eyes turn into little slits and Haru’s hand on mine tightens as his body begins to shake in a greatly-controlled fit of soundless laughter. “You  _better_ , Mako-chan. I swear, if shark boy so as much lays a  _hand_  on  _Rei_ –”

Before Nagisa could even finish his greatly threatening sentence, though, and before Haru can spontaneously combust from the amount of pressure he’s exerting to not let his laugh be heard, the kitchen doors slide open with a loud  _slam_  and Rin is  _shouting_.

“ _Whose bright idea was it to cook using this heavy dumbass pizza stone, anyway_??”

“ _Mine_ , thank you oh so  _very_  much.” Rei snaps and his hand twitches – if both his hands weren’t currently occupied with said heavy pizza stone he’d probably be pushing up his glasses again. “I didn’t see you there when I was making this lovely  _Frutti di mare_ , so I think it’d be only correct for  _me_  to be the one making the culinary decisions.”

Haru shoots me a glance and murmurs, just under his breath: “Why _are_ we friends with these guys, again?”

I stifle a laugh and reach over to muss his hair. “Because we love them, so stop grumbling.”

One of the corners of Haru’s lips turn up minutely as he nuzzles deeper into my hand, which is cute, whether or not he’s doing this subconsciously. “Not like me, though.” He says and then just as quickly turns away, as if the words had just exhausted his monthly reserve of confidence and now gave him nothing but embarrassment.

Right – not like you, I think, my cheeks burning hotter.

I can’t love anyone else like I do Haru. I don’t think my heart would take it.

“Rei,” I hear Haru say and so I see that Rei is all too busy swatting away Nagisa’s hands from the pizza as Rin attempts to take a proper picture. “Does that have any mackerel?”

If I ever thought that Rei could ever forget the stunt Nagisa pulled in their second year, I’m quickly proven wrong - the full-body shiver he gets is a dead giveaway. “I - don’t usually cook with mackerel. But Nagisa-kun gave me strict instructions to place mackerel chunks on at least two of the slices, so…are they to your liking?”

Haru gently untangles himself from me as he makes his way to the table - I follow suit, both because Rei’s seafood pizza smells yummy and because the speed at which I find myself missing Haru’s closeness is strikingly fast. I arrive at the table just in time to see Haru poring over the mackerel with all the seriousness my college professors had proofread my thesis.

“The cuts were a bit too small, but I guess it’s good enough.” Haru says and Rei lets out a deep breath he seemed to have been holding for a while. “Good work.”

“That’s that, then.” Rei says, puffing his chest out, obviously pleased with himself. And he should be - it’s hard to pull off something that looks exactly like its cookbook picture from an oven in a tiny studio apartment, but somehow that’s what Rei did. If I had any less restraint I’d be drooling over the floor, I’m guessing. “Rin-san, are the pictures to your liking?”

“Hell yes. Even got the happy couple in the frame, too.” Rin says, positively smug as he shows Rei the pictures on his cell phone. Haru draws back, somehow against the idea of Rin taking his picture. As for me, I’ve seen Rin’s Instagram and a good fifty percent of his pictures are stolen shots of people. “Aww, don’t worry about it, Mako. You look dashing, the both of you. I’m sure a lot of my followers are gonna be bummed you’re taken - even if your boyfriend is a little bit too fixated on mackerel than is properly healthy.”

“Mackerel  _is_  healthy.” Haru says, grabbing one of the pizza slices that, as Rei had said, were absolutely  _dwarfed_  by the amount of mackerel atop them.

If that was what Haru thought was ‘too little’ mackerel, it worries me to see what would be his ‘normal’ amount.

Haru turns to me. “Do you want the other piece, Makoto?”

“I think I’ll pass for now.” I reply, shyly, because the sentiment of Haru offering his one and only trademark favourite food is not lost on me. “But thanks for offering.”

Haru hums to himself indistinctly as I reach over him to get the slice of pizza adjacent to the one he took claim of – my slice’s heavy with mussel and clam shells and plump pink prawns and I find myself indistinctly thinking that while having the seafood unshelled  _does_  give off a better impression, how am I ever gonna be able to eat this with one hand?

My questions are answered, however, as Rei exclaims, wide-eyed at what exactly Nagisa is currently doing. “Did you just  _eat the prawn whole_ , Nagisa-kun!?”

“Mmph – yes?” Nagisa replies, mouth full with the aforementioned prawn, I’m guessing. At the pointed glare Rei throws him, however, he backtracks, flailing wildly. “I mean – Rin-chan did it first!”

Then again it  _does_  make sense that Rin can eat through the prawn shells, what with those teeth of his – I’ve never really thought about how my best friend ever got to have such sharp canines, but he tells me it’s an occupational hazard of living Down Under and between that and the videos he apparently has of himself wrestling crocodiles, I don’t know if I should believe him.

The slice of pizza pauses on its way to Rin’s mouth as Rei turns his glare Rin’s direction. If Rin’s earlier look promised vaguely dangerous things, Rei’s look promises a quick and painful  _death_ , and the audible gulp it makes Rin do sounds like defeat.

Rin and Rei share a conversation that doesn’t even need any words – it’s a conversation that wouldn’t make sense if nobody knew how much the thought processes of those two are so exactly the same. It goes on for a while – Nagisa’s already done with his slice, nuzzling his head into Rei’s side as per usual – and we only know the conversation is over because Rin raises his arms up in surrender.

“All right, you win. I shall ‘strive better to be a good example’, as you would so fancily put it.”

“ _Good_.”

“Rei-chan, now that that’s over –” Nagisa says, pausing in his nuzzling to look up at his roommate, “– why’d you only make eight slices?”

“Because, Nagisa-kun, theory and calculation and  _modern common sense_  are all in agreement that the easiest way to divide things is by dividing them in two parts at a given time.” Rei says, pushing up his glasses with his free hand. “And if I were to slice it in sixteenths, the slices would be too structurally small to hold the heavy seafood, especially since this is a  _crispy_ , thin-crust pizza base, not the usual doughy, thick-crust one.”

“Okay then,” Nagisa nods, “and besides, it’s more fun to fight over the last piece anyway.”

Rin’s ears perk up suddenly. This is also to be expected – if anyone so much as mutters the word  _competition_  when he’s around, it doesn’t matter what it is or what it is  _for_ : Rin will get himself involved in it. It’s both a blessing and a curse.

“The last  _three_ pieces, you mean,” Rin says, the glint in his eyes positively menacing. “Three, because there are eight slices and only five of us.”

“Rin-chan, do you  _really_  not know how a pre-engagement party works? The two slices are for Haru-chan and Mako-chan, of  _course_.” Nagisa says, which spurs Haru into action – he claims the second piece studded with mackerel at the speed of light and all but shoves the penultimate clam-mussel-prawn slice in my hand.

I mutter a hushed  _thank you_  and get Haru’s nod in return as he hurriedly chews on his slice – for a certain degree of hurrying, though, because Haru has a small, almost  _dainty_  mouth and a penchant for eating particularly slowly.

This is not something I know just because I can spend hours watching Haru’s lips move while he eats. And this is not something I’ve found out at around the same time I’ve found out that I find Haru’s lips to be more interesting than ocean waves or ghost stories or the bell ringing to resume class.

Moving on.

“So that means the three of us are left to battle over one slice,” Nagisa pipes up cheerily, rubbing his hands together like a too-cliché antagonist. “And I know  _exactly_  how we’ll do it.”

“I have a bad feeling about this…” Rei mumbles, shooting me a look that probably aims to be taken as an incognito SOS signal.

“I swiped this from one of my nieces the other day!” Nagisa says, waving around a slightly-crumpled piece of what could’ve been formerly neatly-folded paper. “You guys have seen this before, right?”

Rin looks closer, stroking his cheek thoughtfully. “Huh,” he says, “Kids  _still_  play with this? Gou used to make a lot of these when we were little…”

“So does Ran – it’s the game where you spell out the letters of your name, right?” I say, struck with sudden recognition. It’s the exact same game, in fact, where a younger Ran, while holding a sleepover, had been cornered by her friends into confessing that yes, she  _does_ think her brother’s friend with the glasses is  _very_  attractive. I’ve been wary of the game ever since. “How will that help, though, Nagisa?”

“The little flaps have questions written under them – whoever has the best answers wins! The two of you are the judges.” Nagisa says, raising a jaunty eyebrow. “The two of you’d be best suited to see if we’re saying the truth – you  _are_  the ones in love, after all.”

I flush red – I’ve long come to terms with what I feel for Haru, but to hear us being referred so plainly as the  _ones in love_ , it’s still a shock to my system. Haru notices this bashfulness of mine and reaches out to grab my pizza-oil-slick hand with his own and while it should feel icky and sticky and not at all romantic or comforting, I find myself relaxing into his sudden, arbitrary touch.

“Go on, then,” Haru says, seemingly bored with the situation, but I can feel it – he’s amused, most likely. “Let’s get on with this quickly.”

“If only there were just two contestants, we could just flip a coin to see who goes first.” Nagisa says. “Rei-chan, you’re really not backing down?”

Rei huffs, putting away his cutlery –  _of course_  he’d be the one to eat seafood pizza with a proper knife and fork; he’s the only one whose hands are both still clean. “Obviously not.  _I_ was the one who made the pizza, you must remember.”

“You can’t have your cake and eat it too, ‘fly boy,” Rin chides, giving Rei a toothy grin. “The same also applies to pizza.”

“So you’re  _also_  not backing down, Rin-chan?”

“ _Please_. They’re just silly little questions. I can take them, no biggie.”

“Oh?” Rei muses. “Then you won’t mind going first, then.”

Rin scoffs at Rei’s condescending tone and rises to the challenge. “ _Of-freaking-course._ ”

It’s only just for a second, but – Rei and Nagisa share this one  _extremely pleased_ grin, and not for the first time I find myself thinking that those two have been rubbing off on each other more than I originally expected them to be. And not just because Nagisa has the decade-old habit of nuzzling into Rei’s side when he doesn’t get his way.

“Rin-chan’s name’s got three letters in it, so here goes! R-I-N.” Nagisa exclaims, holding out the folded paper. “Choose a number, Rin-chan?”

“Seven,” Rin says and he winks at me. I know what that number is – it’s his lane number in his last tournament, of course.

“Let’s see if lucky number seven really  _is_  lucky for you, then.” Nagisa sing-songs as he flips the numbered flap open – and whatever question it is underneath must really be a personal one, because the grin that Nagisa flashes is just a few baby steps away from being truly terrifying. “ _Well, well, well_. What do we have here?”

“ _Out with it_  already,” Rin drawls, excitement making him look as if he was bouncing at the balls of his feet; any kind of competition really never fails to rile him up.

“Rin-chan: please  _do_  tell us the truth and nothing less than the truth,” Nagisa starts and pauses, dramatically, for effect. “Your answer to this question:  _who is your first love_?”

What happens next is a sight that  _none of us_  has ever seen before.

Rin doesn’t say anything. It looks like he’s going to – his mouth opens, about to say something, considering the question probably a person’s  _name_ , before he catches himself and seems to realize who he’s in front of. He gulps, his cheeks suddenly a blazing red, and chokes out, “Do I –  _have_  to be –  _honest_?”

“Yes, Rin-chan. It’s because only the purest of heart can be offered the  _privilege_  of having a second slice.” Nagisa says, haughty as he makes stuff up. He’s obviously pleased by this sudden shift in Rin’s confidence. “Mako-chan and Haru-chan are holding hands and obviously in love, so their pureness of heart has  _already_  been confirmed in the first place. As for single guys like us, though…” Nagisa shrugs, not bothering to finish his question. “And besides, Rin-chan, like you said: they’re just ‘silly questions’, right?”

“They  _are,_ but… _urgh._ ” Rin groans, suddenly carding his hands in his hair and grabbing oh so  _tightly_ ; his party hat’s elastic band breaks off and I fear he might come out of this with bald spots. Then, just as suddenly, he turns to where I and Haru are standing. “Haru. Cover your ears.”

A corner of Haru’s mouth turns up, oh-so-minutely. “Why should I?”

“Don’t ask silly questions. Just –  _cover your goddamned ears_.”

“I’ll forget all this in the morning, anyway, and if it’s an answer I don’t ever want to hear again I’d just tell Makoto not to remind me of it.” Haru chides, for once making light of his amnesia – anterograde amnesia, he can’t make new memories and as thus has to rely on my stories and his own notes to remember everything that happened since a few years ago.

“That’s the thing, though,” Rin says, his voice almost a whisper now. “I don’t want  _Makoto_  to hear it, either.”

Rin’s cheeks are ablaze and I have the sinking feeling that I  _should_  be worried as to why a little question can have such an effect on my best friend, which I  _am_ , only – only now Haru’s suddenly alert and he’s holding me back so I can’t do anything to  _act_  on said worry. “Now you’ve  _really_  made me curious.  _Tell us_ , Rin.”

“ _Fine,_ it was  _Makoto_ , okay?” Rin exclaims and very quickly looks away as my eyes widen. And why shouldn’t I be surprised – it’s my best friend and he’s just confessed to having been in love with me. And possibly  _still_  in love with me, if the flushed cheeks and awkwardness are any indication. Since when did this happen and  _how have I not seen this before!?_

I seem to be the only one who is surprised  _at all_ , though, because Nagisa’s nodding as if to say “ _so that’s what it is_ ”, Rei’s looking over us from where he’s standing with thinly-veiled interest, and even Haru, who’s still got his hand in mine, is mumbling “ _I knew it_.”

Rin seems to have heard this last one, though, because he looks up at Haru almost defensively. “Since  _when_?”

“I knew since the last time we met, when you told me to keep in touch with Makoto.” Now this is something I’ve never heard before. “You’ve always been the romantic type, so insisting that we all keep in touch would be characteristic of you. But you sounded…” Haru looks away, most likely putting his thoughts together; even up to now he’s still not used to saying things out loud, but at least now he tries to make an effort. “…oddly  _fond_  when you spoke of him. Also a bit too concerned for Makoto, more than just a friend would be.”

“I think Rei over here would call that ‘ _inconclusive evidence_ ’, Haru.”

“It’s not  _inconclusive_ ,” Haru says, effectively talking over Rin. “Because the only reason why I understood what you felt was because it was  _exactly_  what I was feeling in the first place.”

You can barely hear a pin drop in the apartment.

The first one to break the silence is Rin and despite his next words I know him enough to know that there’s genuinely no malice in his intention; I hope Haru knows that, too. “If you already knew, then why’d you try that  _stunt_  you pulled in the ocean?”

Haru seems to understand, because his answer is instantaneous, but that doesn’t mean he likes dwelling too much on that point that I guess would be the lowest one in his life. “ _That_. Well. To be honest, mostly I just thought that you’d at least be there for Makoto.” he replies, his grip on my hand growing tighter. I squeeze his hand back, once, in an effort to comfort him even as my brain is too busy short-circuiting to be of any use.

“It’s a good thing that didn’t succeed, then, because  _you’re_  the one Makoto loves. The one he’s  _always_  loved, even if this little dork went to  _such great lengths_  to try to hide it.” Rin says, his smile impossibly fond and – and content, as if he’d just been unburdened of a heavy weight on his shoulders. “It’s why I said  _was_. Because, surprise, you  _can_  love people without having to be  _in_  love with them.”

My throat feels dry all of a sudden and I am overcome with the urge to just start sobbing. I’ve called him my best friend and I didn’t even know that he’s been thinking and worrying about these things for such a long time? “Rin…”

“Don’t worry your pretty little head, Makoto, I’m fine. And besides,” he says, grinning that saucy grin of his that I’ve come to adore, “It’s all right if you never found out, because I’m a _really good actor_. Don’t be surprised if you suddenly see me make a name for myself in Australian telly.”

Nagisa raises an eyebrow. “Why, I never knew you’d be attempting to usurp my role in the entertainment industry, Rin-chan.”

“How would I be usurping you? You’re a voice actor, Nagisa; I’m not going to take that away from you.”

“Well – it’s just that, amongst the five of us I’m in the entertainment business, you’re the athlete, Haru-chan’s the artist, Rei-chan and Mako-chan are already  _both_  professionals and having another repeat would be  _boring_.”

“Remind me to call the Vatican when the day comes that I can make sense of your logic,” Rin says, “because that sounds like a thing too  _miraculous_  to actually happen. You’re up next, Rei.”

“What – me?”

“Consider it returning the favor,” Rin says, taking one of Haru’s dining room chairs and sitting himself loftily down on it. “ _On with it,_  you two.”

Nagisa goes about chanting the meager three letters of Rei’s name again and the posture with which Rin sits is so carelessly executed; it’s as if he didn’t just confess the only secret he never could tell me. I think I’ve got to talk to him after this is done; only there’s an undertone to Haru’s stoic expression that bothers me and makes me want to never let go of him, if only to make sure he’s all right.

“Which number, Rei-chan?”

“Hmm…one, I guess.”

“One, because it’s your class ranking, right?”

“Well…not  _exactly_.” Rei says, looking awfully  _shy_  all of a sudden as a corner of his mouth twists up into a wry smirk. “But do go ahead.”

“This is an easier one, actually,” Nagisa says, “Rei-chan: your first crush?”

“That’s  _easy_ ,” Rei replies, obviously relieved that his answer is in fact something he’s told us about before, one other night of greasy food and punishment games ago. “When I was young, there was this girl in class who –”

“We already  _know_  that, Rei-chan. So lemme heat things up a bit for you.” Nagisa exclaims and it makes Rei worried. It makes  _me_  worried. I find myself irrationally blaming Nagisa’s niece for all of these – why does she leave her stuff around so much when she has an uncle like Nagisa? “Who was your first crush  _in Iwatobi High School_?”

Looking back at it in hindsight, it seems as if Nagisa already knew the answer to this question and in fact just wanted Rei to say it  _out loud_.

“B-before I say who it was, I just want to clarify one thing.” Rei says, pushing up his glasses again. “And that is that ‘first crush’ and ‘first love’ refer to two very different,  _very_  separate concepts.”

“Yup, sure they do,” Rin says, nodding along. “After all – my first crush, now that I think about it, was actually  _Haru_.”

This makes Haru’s ears perk up, considerably – he’s surprised, as one would when they made wild guesses that they never expected were right. But he doesn’t even let it show, because he says, dryly, “You weren’t exactly subtle about it.”

“Shut  _up_ , I was a kid, I wasn’t  _born_  knowing how to be subtle. I learned it, though, didn’t I? Anyway, go ahead, Rei.”

“The reason why I said that is in fact because – well, because I have the same answer as Rin-san, actually. I didn’t want Haruka-san to take it the wrong way – it was  _just_  a crush, after all.”

“So, Makoto too?” Haru says, leisurely, but there is still that odd undertone to his voice, as if he’s trying very hard to hold something back – and it leads me to wonder; what could it  _be_? “Rei?”

“Yes, actually. It didn’t come as much of a surprise to me – Makoto- _senpai_  is a very responsible person, after all, and is also a very attractive person, both physically and emotionally.” Rei says, refreshingly not at all embarrassed – not as he had been when he had to clarify that ‘first crush’ was different from ‘first love’. “I’m not surprised if all of Iwatobi High School would eventually confess to having had at least a little crush on him at some point in their lives, actually.”

“Haru-chan would have to beat them all off with a stick, though it would be  _extremely_  tiring for him.” Nagisa says, nodding to himself. “I understand  _exactly_ what you feel, though. Mako-chan was  _my_  first crush, too!”

“So does this mean to say,” Haru says, dangerously  _calmly_ , “that all three of you have had feelings for Makoto at some point in your lives?”

“Yup!” Nagisa exclaims, popping the end ‘p’ sound. “Why’d you ask, Haru-chan?”

“Nothing,” Haru says,  _still_  stubbornly holding…whatever it is he’s actually feeling back. “I knew long ago that I shouldn’t be surprised if I  _weren’t_  the only one who felt this way.”

“That’s just because Mako-chan is perfect in  _every which way_ ,” Nagisa gushes and it seems that red is my cheeks’ default color today, because I just cannot seem to stop blushing. Receiving compliments has never been my specialty, after all. “A true miracle of the universe. Even if he  _is_  a big baby who cries at haunted houses.”

“What the –  _Nagisa_! It was just that  _one time_  –”

“I’m not one for haunted houses either –  _you’re_  the strange one here, Nagisa-kun, what with how  _hilarious_  you find them to be. But even so, how Makoto- _senpai_ had been able to walk through the entire haunted house even though he’s scared out of his mind, just because you had asked him to accompany us, that’s a remarkable thing.”

“And besides, that only adds to Mako-chan’s charm, anyway. The idea of protecting a muscular, attractive six-footer is immensely appealing, according to…certain unbiased outside sources.”

“My  _sister_  is not ‘unbiased’, Nagisa.” Rin counters. “And she’s especially not when  _muscles_ are concerned.”

“Fine then, certain  _slightly_  biased outside sources.” Nagisa concedes. “But still, the end result is the same. I mean, even  _Rei-chan_ , who has a weird sense of beauty, had found himself attracted to him! And Mako-chan’s not even doing any of this  _on purpose_.”

My cheeks are flushed red as I look down, still letting the fact that  _all my best friends_  have been attracted to me in some way or another sink in. This is something that only happens in shoujo manga and soap operas. This is not supposed to be my life, only now it is and I’ve no idea how to deal with it.

“Please don’t worry about it, Makoto- _senpai_.” Rei says, a soft smile on his face as he looks at me and he isn’t even embarrassed at all. That’s to be expected, though – amongst the five of us, it’s actually  _Rei_  who is the most honest about his likes and dislikes. He’s the only man I’ve known who wears butterfly-print pajamas  _proudly_  for a quiet night in with friends, after all – that’d take a whole lot of honest-to-goodness sense of self. “It was, after all, merely a crush. I do apologize if my saying so has caused you any distress.”

“No, Rei, you haven’t.”  _Even if your words seem to have affected Haru for some reason_ , I think weakly as Haru’s grip on my hand grows tighter. Not a vice-grip, but definitely not a loose, casual one, either. It’s like how the twins would hold on to me when they were younger and our parents were elsewhere, like he’s convincing himself that I’m still right beside him. “It’s just that, well, I’m not really used to hearing people say those things about me. Especially since it’s coming from you guys…”

“Then I guess it’s best for me not to say that half the entire female population of Iwatobi High School sent you an inhuman amount of chocolates every Valentine’s Day, Mako-chan…and that the other half was planning to do so but preferred to love you from afar and not let their intent be known. Not that you found out about  _any_  of their intents, anyway.”

“I never got any of the chocolate, though?” I say, because this is true – I’d distinctly remember if anyone ever got me chocolate for Valentine’s Day because then I’d remember getting chocolate that isn’t from either Ran, Gou, or my mother. But there’s this odd little smile Nagisa gives me that serves as a  _really_  big glaring hint as to what exactly happened with the chocolates we’re talking about. “ _Nagisa_?”

“You taught me yourself, yanno. ‘ _Don’t ever waste food’_.” Nagisa says, hands on his hips, his chest puffed out proudly. “Well, Mako-chan, that is  _exactly_  what I did.”

“He was insufferable for the days after.” Rei sighs, massaging his temples with his thumbs. “Consider yourself lucky to not be in the same class as him, Makoto- _senpai_.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I say, chuckling, confusion making way for amusement because I can see the mental image so clearly in my head – Nagisa stuffing his face with inhuman amounts of chocolate as Rei hung back, defeated, knowing full well that none of his good-intentioned chiding would be of any help now.

The silly image reminds me of something I should’ve thought of in the first place – no matter what happens or what they may have felt for me in the past, they’re still my friends and I still care for them,  _love_  them in the exact same way I’ve always had.

No amount of awkward blushing and extolling of my apparent virtues could ever change that.

“It’s your turn then, Nagisa-kun.” Rei says, bringing back attention to the almost-forgotten game. I can see Rin’s eyes shifting to the direction of the last pizza slice – with how far our conversation has strayed from the objective, Rin could swipe that last slice right now and nobody would be the wiser. I click my tongue at him,  _play nice_. He flashes me a sheepish smile and hurriedly looks away. “Choose a number.”

“Three!” Nagisa beams and something clicks within him, something  _alarming_ , because suddenly his face falls and he says, “Actually, forget about it. I’ve lost, I’ve lost and ahaha I have work stuff to take care of, actually I have to go  _right now_  –”

Rei looks at Nagisa as if he’s just said he hated  _strawberries_  and Haru settles into his side of the couch as if he were watching a particularly gripping soap opera about something he’d be interested in. Like anthropomorphic mackerel. This is one of the most ridiculous things about this night – Haru has been watching so intently this whole entire time as if he were watching a serial drama about the love lives of anthropomorphic mackerel.

…Suddenly I find myself thinking that somebody should make a serial drama about anthropomorphic mackerel, if only so that Haru would something new to watch on the television.

“Oi, that’s  _unfair_ , Nagisa,” Rin drawls, pointing an accusing finger. “I am not gonna let you off easily, not when you had me confess what I felt for Mako. I was gonna  _take that to my grave_ , dammit.”

Haru raises an eyebrow. “ _Really_?”

“Well, you’re together. As in  _together_  together. There’d be no sense in telling him anything about it, save if I were masochistic when it comes to my emotions, which I am  _not_ , by the way.” Rin replies, rolling his eyes. “And besides, I didn’t wanna break him with that realization.”

“You didn’t  _break_  me, Rin,” I say, mustering up the courage to address my best friend again and somehow feeling as if I was still treading upon thin ice. Sudden unexpected confessions tend to do that, I think, and I am still not sure of the validity of this thought because the closest thing I’ve had to a sudden unexpected confession before tonight was when Haru looked at me and said  _when you’re there I don’t feel so incomplete anymore_. “It’s alright. It was really just unexpected for me.”

“It makes sense, though.” Rin says with an expression that almost looks  _shy_ , which is yet another thing I haven’t seen from him in a long time. “You’re almost too nice to function most of the time. It makes sense that you won’t notice other people being fond of you, not when you’re too busy being fond of everyone else in turn.”

“You make me sound too kind,” I say, because that is a misconception that, while flattering, should be corrected, because I’m  _not_ , really. I’m not some kind of living saint that should be held in high regard.

If I was really as nice, as responsible, as  _selfless_ as they seem to say I am, then there are a lot of things that I shouldn’t have done: I shouldn’t have moved to Tokyo for university, I shouldn’t have rejected my higher-paying job offer to move back to Iwatobi, I shouldn’t have insisted that Haru, despite his amnesia and general confusion with his recent memories, stay in a relationship with me. “I’m  _not_ , by the way, just in case any of you guys have forgotten.”

To my surprise, however, Haru is the one who answers to that. “You’re not perfect. Doesn’t stop  _me_  from thinking you are, anyway.”

My heart catches in my throat and suddenly I’ve forgotten where we are and what we are supposed to be doing – all I can see now is Haru and his bright blue eyes as they shine with all the intensity he ever only used to focus on our elementary swim club’s pool. “Haru…”

Haru only nods and squeezes my hand, somehow holding himself back again. I really have to talk to him about that later…

“Soooooo,  _Rei_ ,” Rin exclaims, drawing us all back to the present. “What’s the deal with Nagisa, anyway?” It seems that Nagisa  _had_  talked Rei into getting him an extra few minutes – I  _knew_  that guy could talk anyone into doing anything – and has now retreated into Haru’s bathroom. “What question did he end up getting?”

“Well, let’s see.” Rei says, flipping up the small paper flap marked ‘3’. “‘ _Who would you like to spend forever with_ ’ – is he  _sure_  that this is a game played by small children?”

“Yup, it definitely is.” I confirm. “The twins used to play it a lot and they always had the silliest answers to serious questions – it’s a child’s thing, really.”

I try not to remember too clearly the answer that Ran had given to one  _particularly serious_ question, because that answer happens to be wearing red-framed glasses and is sitting _right in front_  of me. I still don’t know what to feel about that memory.

“ _I_  wouldn’t know.” Rei says, thoughtfully. “I’ve never played these silly games as a child before.”

“Well, guess that’s why Nagisa’s all too busy making up for all your fifteen years of not being silly, then.” Rin says. “Speaking of – what’s been taking him so long? I wonder –”

Suddenly, as if on cue, the bathroom door bangs open. The sound makes Haru wince and I make a mental note to check if the door’s hinges would need replacing, if only to placate him. Standing in front of us, backlighted by the bathroom’s fluorescent lights, is a red-faced, puffy-cheeked Nagisa. He takes one very deep breath and says very quickly and yet still very  _dramatically_  –

“ _Rei_! Can I talk to you?”

It’s not a particularly strange thing to hear from Nagisa, but that look in his eyes is unusually _fierce_  and I look around to see if I’m the only one who didn’t miss it – but Rei flushes beet red, Rin makes a big whoop and a corner of Haru’s mouth turns up into a smile.

At least there was  _some_  good to get out of that silly game.

Even if they still haven’t  _quite_  figured out who gets that last pizza slice.

* * *

 

I get Haru to myself when he offers to get dessert – yesterday he had been making upside-down pineapple cake, blessedly without any trace of mackerel inside it despite his general insistence on pairing mackerel with pineapple. I follow him to the kitchen under the guise of helping him with the plates – which I also  _will_  do, of course, seeing as there are five plates and only two of Haru’s hands – and, soon as he slides the kitchen door shut, I turn to him.

“Alright, Haru, what was that about?”

“Nagisa and Rei – two of your best friends – seem to have considered it best to formally kickstart a romantic relationship. All while your third best friend, Rin, had swiped the last slice of pizza while they were too busy looking into each other’s’ eyes.” Haru says, matter-of-factly, as he rustles around the drawers for a knife. “Is this how a normal Saturday night goes for you?”

“No,” I say and stop myself, because the unsaid ending of that sentence is  _this is the longest we’ve all spent in each other’s company, because I’ve kept myself from them for such a long time because even if they’re such wonderful friends I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something_  and it’s not Haru’s fault, not really, it’s not his fault that I’m not the perfect selfless friend people seem to think I am.

“Nagisa’s always invited me to stay over at his and Rei’s place, but I’ve never accepted. Thanks for letting us stay at your place, by the way. Even if I know you were forced into it.”

“I was going to invite you guys, you know.” Haru confesses, as he begins slicing the cake. “Just not tonight.”

“And why not?”

“ _Because_ , Makoto.” Haru replies, “I think it’d be obvious by now.”

Despite his brief stints of honesty, Haru still manages to be as cryptic as ever when all is said and done. “It isn’t. And you know exactly what I am referring to, so please stop stalling. Haru, you were restraining yourself tonight, weren’t you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Haru says, but the sudden hunching of his shoulders gives him away.

“When they were talking about first loves and first crushes, you almost broke my hand with how tightly you were gripping, Haru.” I chide. “What was going through your mind then, I wonder?”

“You mean you didn’t  _already_  know what I was thinking?”

“No.” I say, walking around so that I’d be looking straight into Haru’s eyes. “If I did, I wouldn’t be so worried about it, would I?”

“…”

“ _Haru_?”

“I suddenly feel a kinship with poor little  _Nagisa_ ,” Haru says, pointedly not noticing me and instead focusing on the pineapple-topped cake slices. “When it comes to things like this you have your moments when you’re just like his beloved Rei, glasses aside – who can’t see the obvious.”

Those words suddenly strike a chord with me, which is what I presume to be Haru’s intended effect –

–  _can’t see the obvious_

_– things hiding in plain sight_

_– Haru…jealousy doesn’t look good on you_.

Oh.  _Oh_.

Okay then.

“So…what you mean to say is…”

“Don’t make me say it, Makoto.” Haru groans, all but shoving two plates in my hands, his eyes slightly heavenward, as if he were praying for something he usually didn’t have, something like patience. “Don’t you  _dare_.”

A chuckle comes out and I’ve no idea whether or not I’ve meant to let it out in the first place. Haru’s cheeks are tinted pink and he’s still not looking at me. He’s biting his lower lip in a way that makes him look – that makes him look so  _absolutely_  – “Oh my God, Haru, you’re _adorable_  –”

“Shush shush, not adorable, definitely  _not_  what you think I am,  _quiet down_  now,” Haru mumbles, annoyance growing with every word he speaks. It’s like he doesn’t know what to do with himself – and whatever it is that tonight’s events have led him to feel – right now.

“– but you were. God, you really  _were_.” I say in between chuckles, my laugh slowly but surely shifting into what could reasonably be called a ‘ _giggle_ ’ – but who could blame me? My Haru is acting so adorably… _jealous_ , for a change, and what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t see the beauty in  _that_? “Jealousy  _really_  doesn’t look good on you,  _Haru-chan_.”

“ _Drop the –chan already_. And I am not jealous.”

I humor him with a smile that Rin once said could ‘stop the damned Apocalypse’, if only to see if it also works on Haru – and it seems to work, because the sudden widening of Haru’s eyes is a dead giveaway. “Yeah, you aren’t, and you don’t have a reason to be. Jealous, I mean.”

“Is that so?”

“Mmm-hmm. Because, Haru-chan, just in case you’ve conveniently  _forgotten_  –” I move just a bit closer to him, milking my six-foot height for all its worth. “– if it was  _me_  being asked those questions, I’d only have one answer, and it’d be  _you_  every time.”

Haru doesn’t answer, only – only he looks at me with those bright blue eyes again and mixed in with the feelings of relief and disbelief is a rather shy questioning along the lines of  _are you sure_?

And, well – Rin’s extremely attractive and consistently thoughtful and surprisingly selfless, Nagisa’s motivating and focused and absolutely adorable, Rei’s intelligent and handsome and charmingly earnest, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’d never fit in with them in the way I’ve always wanted to, that I’d love them but never be  _in_  love with them in the same heart-pounding uncontrollable way that I am right now, for this man and this one man only.

First crush? I was a little kid and he was the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. So yes.

First love? It took a long time for me to realize, around halfway into the decade we’ve spent apart, but  _definitely_  yes.

Person I’d like to spend forever with? Yes, absolutely, yes please  _thank you very much_.

“I’m  _absolutely_  sure.”

“This is a  _no return no exchange_  deal.” Haru says, wearing a rather adorably put-out expression and had he been more the pouting type he’d be wearing a rather spectacular one, I think. “So you better be sure of that. I’ll tolerate none of your wishy-washiness when it comes to things like this.”

“I’m not being wishy-washy when it comes to  _this_ , Haru.” I say, feeling bold for once – as I wonder distantly,  _has Nagisa slipped something in my juice?_  “Here, let me prove it to you.”

So I lean closer, mindful of the plates Haru’s balancing in his hands and the ones I hold in mine, and  _prove_   _myself_.

I don’t know how long we stay there, just like that, closer than we’ve ever been before. I don’t know how long we keep the others waiting.

And besides, it doesn’t matter – most desserts are best served cold, anyway.

(But  _this_  one, well – I’d rather take it warm.)

**Author's Note:**

> This oneshot is set somewhere roughly in between the penultimate scene in [ _Retrouvaille_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1015471) (before the Epilogue), and the last scene in the upcoming finale of [ _Materiality_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1084649).
> 
> This is written for the MakoHaru Festival, and you can find the tumblr post [here](http://makoharufestival.tumblr.com/post/74002818167/challenge-jealous-user-patriciaselina-rating-sfw).
> 
>   * Rei’s  _Frutti di mare_  (fruit of the sea??) pizza looks like this:
>   * 

>   * This is from  _Pizza!_  by Pippa Cuthbert and Lindsay Cameron Wilson. (Please do forgive my hand, and the lazy webcam quality.) 
>   * Rin chooses seven not because his lane number  _happened_  to be seven in his last tournament – no, it’s actually because he’s particularly fond of a certain person whose birthday goes  _11.17._  Of course, Mako doesn’t get it.
>   * Rei chooses one because somebody else happens to be born on that day – on  _8.01_ , to be exact. Get a clue, Nagisa.
>   * Ran’s question, the one Mako-niichan has been  _agonizing_  over, is ‘ _who would you like to get married to_?’. If you remember from  _Retrouvaille_ , Ran has a big crush on ‘Rei-senpai’. Makoto is not pleased at all by this. (Am suddenly reminded of a scene in Friends – “My best friend! My baby sister! My  _best friend_  and my  _baby sister_!”)
>   * All honorifics dropped and reused in this fic have (hopefully) been done on purpose – I’m of the opinion that Nagisa calls Rei by  _yobisute_ when he goes all, ehem,  _territorial_. Mako, on the other hand, reverts back to  _Haru-chan_.
>   * Also: yes, that was a kiss, their first one, in fact. I am notoriously bad at writing kisses, somebody  _please send help_.
> 



End file.
